Being Amelia…or the unbloggable date

First dates can be awkward.

First blind dates even more so.

So imagine a first blind date, where you have to tell them your name is not your name.

awkward-turtle (1)

Confused? Me too. This is where I start to believe my housemates when they say I am bonkers.

See I’ve always liked the name Amelia and when considering how to write more blogs on online dating without reopening the can of Tinder, I decided a fake name and a Plenty of Fish profile was the way to go. Call it weird, call it cruel but I wanted something amusing to write about.

Why go back to online dating you may ask?

Recent example of analogue (i.e REAL LIFE) dating:

Me and my friend meet two guys from my home county and get chatting to them.

The less attractive one has unfortunately cornered my friend but that’s fine because she is happily loved up (like buying-a-house-happy)  She, boozy as she was, seems fine with this arrangement.

The more attractive and, more importantly, very tall one, starts chatting to me.

It goes something like this:

He: So you’re from XXXXXX, are you?

Me: Yes, from XXXXXXXXXXXX, how about you?

He: Oh, just XXXXXXXXXXXXX. But I’m going to America next week

Me: Oh? (Fairly disinterested, I must admit despite him being tall I was kind of just hoping for a girls night)

He: Yeah, I’ve got this very important role. Working as a protégé for this amazing CEO at XXXXXXXXXX

Me: Wow, that’ll be good (just waiting for my friend to pass me my G&T and quick getaway)

He: Yeah he’s got three protégés, but he’s chosen me as the one who will shadow him for like everything. I should be making a lot (he leans in for emphasis at this point) of money by the time I’m done.

Me: *Yawn* Sounds like a big deal

He: Yep, once in a life time kind of job, I’ve obviously really impressed him

Me: Obviously

At this point my friend hands me a drink

He: Can I get you a drink?

I gesture to my new, full drink

He: Ah right, well my father says if you’re ever with a cool girl (I’m very confused at this point, I will admit I have been nothing but cold and rude) you should at least offer to buy her a drink.

Me: Good rule, but as you can see I’m sorted.

He: Well my father grew up in Zimbabwe… so you know different rules I guess. You can’t blame a guy for trying.

Now this exchange was all the more amusing considering, during pre-drinks, me and my friend had just re-watched this:

“Para, para, para darling… Oh Peru!”

So that guy belonged on that video and hence was not getting my number.

He then said to me, rather bitterly, when it was clear he had been rebuffed, “Oh right so you’d rather have an unemployed, short guy who is like an artist talking to you?”

Me: Let’s just say tall is all you have going for you :P.

Mean but true. Someone needed to bring that guy down a peg or two. So that’s why I’m avoiding men in bars and continuing with the terrible but consistently so, online dating. At least you can block them easily and facebook stalk them pre-meeting. Ha!

Anyway back to Amelia…

I imagine Amelia is a sort of new and improved version of me. A me 2.0  if you will … Less likely to be rude to a guy in a club, more likely to remember peoples’ names and less opposed to all sports. Surely more datable?

So I went on POF and got chatting to a nice enough guy, who was very into sports, had recently gone back to uni (bit odd dating a student but hey…) and agreed to meet him for a drink after several conversations.

By this time, I had forgotten my name was Amelia. As in, I was just being me, cynical, sarcastic me.

DAMN I panicked. How to go on a date with a fake name, with what appeared to be a genuinely nice guy, without seeming crazy?

After reassessing his profile I calmed down, I didn’t even fancy him very much so I’d just go as fun Amelia and just not go on a second date if he liked her. Note at this point, Amelia was turning into a separate person and I was pretty sure she wanted to go on the date. Then I realised, through some Facebook stalking, that we had three mutual friends.


(As an aside, words cannot express how much fun googling “shocked cat faces” is)

I was too far in. I panicked. I spent the week before the date, trying to decide at what point I would tell him I wasn’t Amelia.

In the end…I got too scared. Yes it would be good blogging material, but I cannot sabotage my entire life just for the sake of a silly online diary.

SO…I sent a text, blaming my job and explaining my real name.

Nerve-wracking wait… and …

“Haha good idea. Is that your alter ego?…” <—- WAH? So apparently guys don’t mind if you admit to being bonkers.

This was a theme for the date.

I called it unbloggable because I genuinely can barely think of anything to say about him.

Nice guy. Quite funny. Much better at talking than texting.

He is the only guy I’ve been on a date with that knew about my blog. I called him posh a lot and he said he was “still Jenny from the block” ( alright, I did say quite funny)

He also went into the girls’ toilets when I told him to (to see the wallpaper, jeez…) and played about with the Halloween props around the bar. Not a bad date.

I also managed to, after a couple of ciders, reveal that I’d found him on facebook and again he did not run away. I think I would have, so perhaps there is something to worry about.

Anyway my alter-ego Amelia wanted to see him again so I decided XXXXX (my real name) would go on one more date, sans the fake name and stalking tendencies…


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