Mysterious Man

As soon as I typed that title, I had “Oooohhhohhhhhh…..mysterious girl” in my head. So thanks for that Andre.

Peter-Andre

Yes Peter…

Call it an enigma or a mystery, but the opposite sex never seem to quite understand each other. Men are from Mars, woman are from Venus, trans from Jupiter (?) but whilst friendships seem easy in the gender crossover, relationships seem to confuse most of us. I have seen some of my best friends go from intelligent, self-assured, articulate human beings to quivering emo wrecks because someone hasn’t messaged them or has cancelled a tinder date (and that’s just the guys)

So I decided to put a stop to it…and whilst I’m feeling pretty content with my usually chaotic love life (but staying quiet on that one), I still think there are some things men just need to explain. I mean let’s start with the whole texting rule… Why do some play it cool, leave you hanging for days and some text back straight away?

I decided to quiz my male friends on their seemingly erratic behaviour, with mixed results.

Males asked:

Guy A- University friend, single for 18 months.

Responded via Facebook and I literally copied and pasted. 

Guy B-Stud Muffin and house mate, single for a month. 

Responded whilst sitting next to me on the sofa and whilst simultaneously breaking his new phone. I tried to clean it up a little but basically his answers are verbatim. 

Guy C- Old school friend, single for…ok he is being cagey about this so I think there may be a lady on the scene. If so, it is a new development and I shall probe for more answers later!

Again he typed his own via the wonders of social media.

So apparently the only guys I talk to are single. (or the only guys on facebook I could force into this)

And rather amusingly, guy C said these questions are like the format for OKCupid…I knew I’d missed a trick. WHEN WILL TINDER HIRE ME?!

Any comments like this are mine, either being sarcastic or for clarification or possibly a mix of both.

Q1) That texting back/not texting back issue.

a) There are two reasons for not texting back. Either you’re “keeping them keen” or you’re not keen. Either way, it only works about half the time.

b) Depends how hot she is. If she’s hot, I’ll try to play it cool but really I’m dying to text back.

c) When concerning texting back the message falls into three categories of urgency, all require a different length of time to text back, immediately(ish), in half an hour or so, and the next day. Most of the time I can read the message through the notification thus negating the message being ‘read’ so I can choose an appropriate (or inappropriate) response to the text. It also acts as the perfect excuse for ‘not seeing a message’. (Starting to regret asking guy C he has a lot to say, it’s nearing my bedtime and I suspect he is slightly neurotic) 

Q2) What puts you off a girl? 3 turn offs

a) If I feel like they’ve never read a book, overconfidence and can’t stand too much makeup. Oh and resting bitch face. Obviously.

b) Bad breath (morning doesn’t matter, cause then I’ve obviously slept with her and I’m not bothered then), ott laugh (at this he does impression, see below) No sense of humour.

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c) Drawn on eyebrows, text speak, not an active reader of books.

Q3) Worst date ever? 

a) Cinema. Too much wine. Too much tongue. (Like, way too much)

b) I’ve only been on a few dates, because I am such a stud I don’t need dates. (These were his exact words, honestly)

c) Cinema date. Especially for a long film. (Hunger Games 2)

Q4) How do you cool it off? 

a) I’m pretty bad I think. I just suddenly become really distant. Not replying to texts, SUPER busy all the time. You get the picture.

b) Most girls – be honest, not looking for anything. We’ve had a prod and had some fun. Don’t like being a dick. I’m only a dick if she kept bothering.

c) Straight ignore of messages, humans rarely persist past second or third messaging so it’s pretty easy.

Q5) What’s your worst sexual experience?

a) I’ve not had many bad experiences. But the worst involved two bottles of wine, me dressed as David Bowie, her as a maid, and numerous malfunctions. I think it’s best that you don’t get the whole picture.

That’s not a joke.

b) It’s a bit like a Peep show episode, so I’m not going there. It’s never happened me but a starfish (hoping I don’t have to explain this one, starfish in bed. Just think about it) would wind me up.

c) Stayed with a girl for a few days for some excellent third base activities but when it came to the sex there was no comparison, fizzled out shortly after.

Q6) What’s your talent in bed? 

a) Is Lvl 65 Dragon Mage an acceptable answer?

b) Cunnilingus, all the way.

c) The slow slow slow hard, preferably from behind, or classic finger in the butthole. (at this he put an emoticon, but I am refusing to have that on my blog)

Q7) J-Law, Jennifer Aniston and J-lo?

a) Kill – J Lo, Marry – J Law, Fuck-JA

I think it’s a toss up between the last two. Pun intended (ew and also who said kill?!)

b) Marry J-Law, Shag J-lo and unfortunately push Jen off the cliff

(His reasoning being Jen is too old to marry and J-lo got a “cracking body”)

c)  JLaw obvs

Q8) Have you ever cheated? 

a) No, but I did strongly consider it once. Well actually, I did once try but struck out. So no – I haven’t cheated, but I have failed to cheat. There’s some honour in that.

b) Yes, not proud of it…

c) Potentially, it was a grey area without defining labels so still remains ambiguous.

Q9) How many people have you slept with? 

a) Nine, I’m pretty sure it’s nine.

b) 12.

c) Not nearly enough (but more than 10)

Q10) Have you ever been in love?

a) I couldn’t say. I romanticise the past, so it’s difficult to see the wood for the trees. Other clichés are available.

b) Twice.

c)  Yes and it feels weird.

My verdict: Men suck.

I’m so glad I deleted tinder seeing as B man aka self proclaimed Stud muffin just joined. Particularly looking at question 8, I feel I can make some damning reports to my single female friends, or any females really, as a warning.

As guy C declared “Oh men are just so predictable”, predictable maybe but still rather useless.

Or perhaps I’m being unfair as I still think men do not know what they want but hey, maybe us women folk are not perfect either. I often drunkenly text and have indulged in a little game playing from time to time (and I don’t just mean Cluedo, Hello Colonel Mustard)

If you were going to date one of my three single friends? From the quiz alone, I would have to choose a or c. I appreciate both of them wanting some intelligence in their potential mate and I could not agree more with C about the eyebrows.

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As for A knowing that he reads this blog and knowing his actual behaviour and the fact he’s probably a serial not text-backer…well…I’m going to have to go for d ? ….

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Considering dating…. Tinder style?     An Italian?   A friend

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2 comments

  1. olivia · July 30, 2015

    hahaha Lvl 65 Dragon Mage.
    Man A, go out with me

    Like

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