Attempts to avoid awkwardness…

I am usually the most ridiculously honest person ever. I have no secrets. People always joke that I’d make a bad spy and or murderer because straight away I’d crack and be like “Ooooh do you want to know how I did it? I have photos!” Ready for instagram, #guilty.

And yet I have told very few people about the most embarrassing story in my life. A story I am not about to share on a blog where it could be used against me in the future. But basically it involves a wheelchair user, a dancefloor and me setting the fire alarm off… Horrific. It makes me shudder just thinking about it.

I am not the most socially awkward person I know (that award goes to a lovely fellow housemate, she knows who she is) but I certainly seem to get into more than my fair share of awkward situations.

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For example… I am the only person I know that could get stuck in a hedge, with my hair, and just pretend it was all fine whilst several groups of joggers ran past.

Last night, I actually hung up the phone (terribly rude I know) because I didn’t want to tell the Indian man on the other end that I couldn’t understand what he was saying. I, then, tried to change my voice, when the same man (after my friend re-booked the table) came to take our order.

Definitely need help. Definitely an awkward turtle.

The worst situations for awkwardness and my various attempts to save the situation:

Situation: Bumping into an ex.

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This has to be one of the most awkward and horrible situations ever. Luckily the only ex I’d not want to bump into is on the other side of the world but I have had that heart-sinking moment of seeing an ex when you really didn’t want to.

Solution: Make the other guy hide behind the tree.

After my most recent ex, I had a bit of a crush on a housemate’s friend and we’d been flirting. My ex was coming to pick up his stuff and this guy made a joke about introducing himself. All very awkward. I was stressed as we were all outside my house at once, so convinced the guy to hide behind a tree. Which he, graciously, did.

It just shows how far an awkward person will go to avoid certain situations.

As to future ex-meet ups, as a preventative measure: Always look hot. (or at least brush your hair and maybe some mascara) because it seems to break the laws of science that you’d ever see an ex when you were looking good. I feel this theory is foolproof…even if you end up walking into a post or something. Just laugh doing it and shake that shiny hair. And he’ll think damn, there goes my hot (crazy) ex.

Situation: Bumping into a ONS/ person you once got with.

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Solution: It is like the supermarket thing. If you try and avoid someone in a supermarket you will ALWAYS bump into them because God has a sense of humour or something…Anyway if fate is against you and you bump into an old lover or cringe ONS, I suggest just going for the greeting (see below), something simple like “Hey” or a smile/wave (if you can manage to look sane whilst doing so) but never, ever engage in conversation. That’s when it gets weird and they drop in their new girlfriend and you go bright red even though you really don’t fancy them and they definitely looked better in the dark after a whole load of martinis.

Situation: Meeting the parents.

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Solution: Break up with the person (extreme but definitely would avoid the situation)

I met one of my ex’s parents whilst working as a waitress (not in a cocktail bar) but it was made more awkward by the fact I’d already served them before they revealed their identity. My boyfriend at the time was in Africa on his “gap yah” and I was not expecting to meet them until his return.  I was a shy 17 year old who ended up being like a quivering wreck whilst simultaneously serving many customers on a busy Sunday morning. It was hellish. I ended up getting on with them really well but they did always used to joke about how awkward that first meeting was.

So…for future meetings, I will definitely make sure it is a planned visit, ensure my boyfriend is actually there and be sure to not be the one serving the coffee.

Situation: Greeting someone

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I’ve never done this

It should be natural and easy. A greeting. Handshake. Air-kiss. Smile. But unless they are good friends, I pretty much fall apart at this basic social etiquette.

Are they an Ab-fab darlinggg-esque, kiss both cheeks kind of person? If you go for a kiss and they go for a handshake…

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I mean it is such a mine field, it makes me actually consider hermitage.

I met an ex’s grandma over a week stay away in their country house and every night she wanted a kiss. Those pink lipstick smears could not be seen on my redder-than-red face.

I could go on, for hours…awkwardly.

Like that time I spat (like camel style) all over my friend during a conversation and just ignored it.

Even when he had to wipe his face…

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My advice, even the best of us have awkward moments. Shake it off… especially if it’s spit.

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