I never intended to write my first blog post about online dating… jeez, I would be mortified if you had told me this even a year ago.
But hey…times are changing and even Bridget Jones appears on Guardian Soulmates in her most recent book.
Bemused by the worrying state of my love life and fact I had a month of paid freedom…I decided to embark on the addictive app that is Tinder…my housemate even optimistically called it The Summer of Tinder (which still feels like it is worthy of its own theme tune)
This is how it went… (the PG version, at least)
1. The first impression
“I’m just doing it for a joke… I’m going to write a blog on it, you know, ironically… I’m not actually gonna like meet anyone…Ooh this is kind of fun… 120 matches later…I love Tinder… Tinder is my new job… I wonder if Tinder would actually employ me?”
All thoughts and words that were spoken over my two months of tinder.
I went from casual swiper on boring bus rides to obsessive compulsive addict, often being awoken to the sound of Tinder matches at 3am in the morning (Oooh a match, ah but probably drunk…When did I like a guy with such a big beard?…)
I realised it had got too far when my housemates began to add the additional “inder” to the end of my name…but that comes later. First of all there were the…
2. The dates
I hadn’t planned to meet anyone… but suddenly all my initial reservations and internet safety warnings fell away and I decided that if I met someone with a mutual friend first, that would be responsible online dating.
I’ll keep this short and sweet like my first date.
Date number 1- A funny guy…just five inches or so shorter than I’d like.
I had suspected as much and had spent an hour or so with a housemate’s girlfriend trying to work out just how tall this guy was. Picture Ikea catalogues, as we deliberated over a picture of him next to a lamp… was it a small lamp or was he just that short? What are standard lamps anyway?!
There was good conversation, he was a comedian and so I was immediately on the defensive… I must always be the funnier date. I’m not entirely sure who won but I know mentioning previous tinder dates did not go down well.
He left the date abruptly with a tinder message 20 minutes later saying “Well that went well! Sorry I was being a knob. All the best with tinder! The only way is up from here haha”
I can only assume he was referring to his height…
Date number 2- Again…nice enough guy. But this date alerted me again to the shallowness but also limitation of Tinder. Not only do you not know their height (this one was at least 6ft) but you do not know their voice…
Needless to say I went home early, feeling extremely shallow.
Date number 3- I had been warned that Tinder bred stalkers… This guy was very attractive, training to be a Doctor and only slighty psychotic.. two out of three isn’t bad?
I realised he was a little intense when within 10 minutes of the date he was trying to hold my hand. I spent the rest of the date on a constant mission to find things in my bag, a lipbalm, sunglasses, ooh must just get my phone out and check the time again. Most awkward. He also informed me several times what an excellent couple we would make. I managed two hours (You cannot say I am not resilient) and ran away to a lucky escape and tapas with friends.
Unfortunately when I informed him there would be no second date, I saw a very different side to him, and had reels of abuse thrown at me (luckily all from the safety of facebook chat, he has since been blocked and deleted and I now walk home a different way from Park Street :P)
Date number 4- The too good to be true date.
Another doctor, I clearly did not learn my lesson. I did, however, take an apple with me as an ice breaker but also in the hope that an apple a day would keep him away if he turned out to be anything like date 3.
This was two very good dates, a lot of smooth talking, cocktail buying and general compliments. A little sickly. The waitresses fawned on him more than I did. He talked about his bank account a lot.
He also sounded like this:
and was 6 ft 3…
So deep, deep down, the shallow part of me was a little disappointed when he didn’t call…
3. The non dates
There are so many blogs about amusing Tinder one liners and people to avoid so I’ll keep this brief. My favourite Tinderellas that I hope I never have to meet…
The guy who posted a screenshot of his unmade bed with the words “Who am I shagging today?” Nice…
The multiple guys who started the conversation with the line…”Do you have pet insurance?…” I won’t offend your sensibilities with the answer.
The guy who kept insisting I meet his best friend, Richard. “Can I send you a picture of Richard, he’s really attractive and gets all the girls…” Say no more. I was painfully slow on this one but I did not give him my whatsapp name (E-safety first!) so never had the pleasure.
There were a lot more creepier, weirder and just damn right brazen men…
But it was when I finally got to the foot fetish man that I decided enough was enough
<— His picture was him licking the feet of two ladies who sat disinterested, in the background.
I considered asking HIM to explain more and whether he’d considered the evils of verrucas and athlete’s foot but decided enough was enough
4. Letting go…
I gave up Tinder for stoptober because I decided that drinking was not as bad for my health as this dating app. It’s not been as hard as I expected. The first day I found myself googling cats more than usual but now I find I’m much happier to look down on my phone and see not a fire symbol but an actual message from an actual person I like.
So even if my thumb is twitching… I’m going to put that down to acute arthritis and not missing the RSI of the dreaded Tinder.